Well, there back. :(
This pregnancy has been such a roller coaster of thoughts and emotions. From day one of learning I've really struggled to keep the "what if's" at bay. Throughout the first month or two of my pregnancy, I was a mental basket-case. One day, I'd be panic-striken at the thought of eating something on the "do not eat" list and harming my child and the next day, I'd confidently regain my inner strength. And back and forth it would go. As my pregnancy has progressed and I gained what I envisioned was my own self-confidence, I've been able to defend myself from these mind-bombs.
But as of yesterday morning, I'm officially back on the worry wagon and despite all my "old tricks" which had once provided mental stability are rendered useless. As crazy as this may sound, yesterday morning at church a nice young guy got up in front of the congregation to give his personal testimony on how the home groups have really helped to heal his wounds and deepen his walk with the Lord. The only problem is that his story revolved around the unexpected loss of his unborn child just two weeks before his/her due date. Apparently the umbilical cord had gotten wrapped around the child's neck and it didnt make it. I could physically feel the worry and discomfort welling up within myself at hearing this story of his loss. Of course, the story actually has a somewhat happy ending - he and his wife now have a lil baby boy born perfectly healthy and a deeper walk with God. However, all I hear is the little nugget was THIS CLOSE to making it and didnt....
To make matters worse (sort of - at least in my messed up mind), at the doctor's office this morning, the doctor made a simple statement that I'm sure no other normal preggo would even notice, but I of course cant seem to shake from my mind. After hearing a normal heartbeat and grabbing our things to leave the office, the doctor mentions, "This is a critical time in your pregnancy. If anything changes, let me know." Uhhh... there I am again - on the bottom of pile of bricks. I can tell myself, "Everything is fine. She's got a strong heartbeat and I need to trust God," but the truth is I'm SCARED!
As if all of this isnt already too much! I get to work this morning and hear a co-worker's tragic story of how she twice carried a baby nearly full term (for eight months) only to give birth to not one, but two still borns.... How does all this pile up in 2 days? At this point, I just want to curl up on the couch and have a little pity party for myself, but really - how productive is that?
I just keep thinking of these women, who like me, want a lil perfect bundle of joy more than anything in the world! But only came home to an empty nursery and a world of hurt. I cant even imagine how much pain that must've been!
Well now that I've brought everyone else down today - I just want to ask that any of you who are fellow believers - please, keep me in your prayers today. I feel I'm in over my head with a mental battle with these negative thoughts. I know the Lord himself was the one who came to my rescue early on in my pregnancy and saved me from the deep whole your own mind can create. My plea today is that He'd do the same again. I need to be revived.
